[DannyL]

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 48 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 

[zooky]

Re: Way OT ut good anyway!

I always liked Dave Barrys work, he's a funny guy

 

[13337]

Re: Way OT ut good anyway!

# 1 is important to obserrve so as to avoid # 2 !

 

[1561]

LOLLLL

In reply to:

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

[/ QUOTE ]

My GF is thinking that I have crosed the line of number 3 a long time ago!!.

 

[Guest]

#16

There ought to be a #16 in that list:

People who love Zukies are kind, generous, hospitable, friendly, helpful, fantastic, SMART people. Never fails.

j

 

[1413]

Re: #16

Here are a few deep thoughts I found humor in, some are corny, but others are hilarious:
By Jack Handy

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.