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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I found this in my disaster of a hard drive. I thought it was funny then, and funny now. I wish I knew who wrote it...

Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never been there when you
need it. Besides there are only 10 things in this world you
need to fix any car, any place, any time.

1.Duct Tape. Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in
stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator
hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more - in an easy
to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape
in concours competitions, but in the real world, everything
from LeMans-winning Porsches to Atlas rockets use it by the
yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a
quarter and a phone booth.

2.Vice Grips. Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling
wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and
wiggle-it-til-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your
tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed expressly to
fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3.Spray Lubricants. A considerably cheaper alternative to new
doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig
phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the
Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an
integral part of these sprays is the infamous Little Red Tube
that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross eyed (one
of the 10 worst tools of all time).

4.Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids. If you spend all your time
under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the
pertal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's
because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of
tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty
tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some of course chuck the
butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel
bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine
tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel
Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5.Big Rock at the Side of the Road. Block up a tire. Smack
corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy
know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop
a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or
limestone. This is the only tool with which a "Made in
Malaysia" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

6.Plastic Zip Ties. After 20 years of lashing down stray hose
and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly
slicked-up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties
can transform a hulking mass of amateur- quality wiring from a
working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something
remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both
ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie
under the hood.

7.Ridiculously Large Craftsman Screwdriver. Let's admit it.
There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting,
breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flatbladed
screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big
hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all oil filters so
insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a
stake in one side and out the other. If you break the
screwdriver--and you will do just like Dad and your shop
teacher said--who cares, it has a lifetime guarantee.

8.Baling Wire. Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, baling
wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct
tape, it's not recommended for concours contenders, since it
works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right
thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental favorite in some
circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford
set.

9.Bonking Stick. This monstrous tuning fork with devilish
pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod separator, but
how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if
you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the
all-purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the
huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent
metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good
bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate tie-rod ends in a
pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10.A Quarter and a Phone Booth. See tip #1 above.

Marc
Contagious Racing
 

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/wwwthreads_images/icons/cool.gif Pretty good, Marc. A friend in Indianapolis who used to take his vacation every year during the 500 and worked as a "spotter" told me he saw several instances over the years where a car was rocketing around the track at race speed with vise grips clamped on a broken shock mount or some such critical suspension part./wwwthreads_images/icons/crazy.gif

CJDave
 

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Those tubs (item # 4) are great for storing all those screws, bolts, nuts, clips, washers, connectors, etc. that you always have left over when you replace something on the Jeep. If you keep collecting parts long enough, you can build another Jeep from the odds and ends parts. /wwwthreads_images/icons/wink.gif
 

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4,707 Posts
Yeah, those margarine tubs are great, but you're only getting half of the benefits if you only use the
inside. When I did some modifications to my fiberglass tub, I cut a hole in the inside of each rear
fenderwell and inserted the large 3 lb. size. I 'glassed around it from inside the wheel well to form rear
speaker cavities. I did the same thing from outside of the body with the 1/2 lb. size to form a recess for
the fuel fill.

The sour cream size, adhered to the back of the dash speakers with a little RTV, will protect them from
the windshield to dash leaks. Cut a large hole in the bottom so the speaker cone can get some air
movement at the back but don't cut through the lip.


 
G

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Actually, as long as the plastic is think enough so it doesn't buzz, you will get better sound quality if you don't cut that hole in the back. Ideally, you want to seal the front of the speaker from the back of it. That is, unless you get into tuning ports in the enclosure, but this is the wrong forum to go into that, and that generally applies to larger speaers anyway...

Marc
Contagious Racing
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
that is what the rock is for and they are cheaper and more plentiful. works well with the big @ss screwdriver.

dan
 
G

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I worked on Harley's for several years back in the 70s, usually found I only needed THREE tools. The BFH, a BFSD (screw driver),
and a BFCW (crescent wrench, BIG one). Oh, there was one more thing, a pair of glasses so I wouldn't get oil in the eyes trying
to look thru that little hole to set the timing./wwwthreads_images/icons/smile.gif

Brad (from the 4 Wheeling center of the universe, 4 corners USA)
 

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Hey Marc, is that how I ended up with a Jeep - 'cause I used to have a bunch of MGs? (you figured ONE of 'em had to start in the morning..)

:)

Pete

88YJ,4"susp,33"BFGMTs,9000#winch, hm swing out TC/HL mount ,258,999,4.10,weber32/36,GMHEI.
 

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What about....

hose clamps?? I recently worked on my Ranger and needed a large one to use it as a zip tie like device for a bracket for my electric fan. I also used this to secure my dipstick tube on my 151 (which is lying on the ground. 229 is going in tomorrow). Where did that come from?? I've seen it before and I love it everytime I see it.....

Chris
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Item #11 -- Your brain. We all forget (or don't use) our brains that get us into the fix that required the top 10 tools in the first place!

Eric '94 YJ
4.0L, 5 speed, 2.5 lift, TJ flares, 33's
 
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