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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticks me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came in, Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there, face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. I could get used to this new policy, he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and lets Vernon enter. A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this.

I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator..."

###

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big departmant store looking for a job. The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says,"One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, $101,237.64? What did you sell him?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he did't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Silverado." The boss said, "A guy came here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat ...and a truck?" Kid says "No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, Well, since your weekend is shot, you might as well go fishin."

Shawn
87 K5
few mods

 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
This is my favorite oldy but goody.

A ROMANTIC POEM -

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue,
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's, and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excites me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as SunDrop, right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven! Plumb outta my wits!

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me, back in '74.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles, and stick 'em in the can.

Yore as strong as a four-wheeler, racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger, named Naomi Judd.

Yore as cute as a junebug, a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant, upon which I oft' tread.

Cut from the best pattern, like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life, like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight, like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old, like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks, and let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together; like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate, for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger; "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds, from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds; It's a new trollin' motor!

 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Here's one


A guy walks into a supermarket and asks a cashier which aisle the tampons are in.The cashier tells him and the guy proceeds toward the aisle.A few minutes later,he comes to the register with a bag of cotton balls,a pack of construction paper and a ball of string.The puzzled cashier says:"I thought you came in to buy some tampons".The guy replies:"Well,its like this.The other day I asked my wife to go to the store and buy me a carton of cigarettes.She came back with a pouch of tobacco and a packet of Zig-Zags.So I figure if I gotta roll my own...so does she!"


 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Sorry to lazy to the >'s out of it
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
> Rule One:
> If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a
> package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
> Rule Two:
> You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as
> long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
> your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
> Rule Three:
> I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
> their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
> Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
> complete idiots.
> Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose
> this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and
> your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to
> ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of
> your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten
> your trousers securely in place to your waist.
> Rule Four:
> I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
> "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Allow me to elaborate: when it
> comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
> Rule Five:
> It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
> we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
> do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
> of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
> only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
> Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
> opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
> okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
> girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
> you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
> Rule Seven:
> As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
> more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
> time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
> her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
> Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful,
> like changing the oil in my car?
> Rule Eight:
> The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
> Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
> stool.
> Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
> Places where there is darkness.
> Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
> Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter
> to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
> overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
> Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
> which features chain saws are okay.
> Hockey games are okay.
> Old folks homes are better.
> Rule Nine:
> Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
> dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
> all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
> If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
> tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
> shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
>
>
> Rule Ten:
> Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
> sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
> paddy near Hanoi.
> When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently
> tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
>
> As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both
> hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear
> voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
> to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside.
>
> The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
>


 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
this one is my favorite!

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shop-lifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the past year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of the US Congress. This is the same groups that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line! UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE /wwwthreads_images/icons/mad.gif

Mike ~
* Earnhardt Forever *

89 Chevy K1500 - 350TBI/700R4/NP241 - 3" lift - 33's
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Rules for Women

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up,
you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

3. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.

4. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women
always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

5. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!

6. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

7. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what
we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel
lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

8. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that
way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

11. Crying is blackmail.

12. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't
work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say
whatever it is you want!

13. We don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the
calendar.

14. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

15. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

16. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

17. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do.

18. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

19. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

20. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

21. Check your oil.

22. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

23. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.

24. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

25. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

26. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something
but not both.

27. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

28. The most ANY man can see is only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a
color.

29. If it itches, it will be scratched.

30. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

31. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.



1997 Z71 Manik Grill Guard, Hellas, 10" MTX Thunder 6000 Subwoofer, Alpine Alarm, RadioShack CB w/PA more to come
 

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Damn Shawn those are great!!/wwwthreads_images/icons/laugh.gif.
Hey everybody Came across this pic the other day set it as my wallpaper and crack up nearly every time I look at it/wwwthreads_images/icons/laugh.gif.

A Man a Dog and a Pickup it's a wondurful thing(sometimes)/wwwthreads_images/icons/wink.gif
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
And these are the wonderful leaders of our country?!/wwwthreads_images/icons/mad.gif/wwwthreads_images/icons/tongue.gif
 
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Shawn, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time almost fell out of my chair. That made my day/wwwthreads_images/icons/laugh.gif
 

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WOW, Sorry about that. I gave a link to some pretty funny stuff but they have added some cartoon nudity as part of the jokes. I have now taken the joke link off. I didn't think shawn would approve.
 
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
MATERIALS DATA SHEET - WOMAN:
ELEMENT: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 100 to 160 lb.
Occurrence: Copius quantities in all urban Areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1) Surface often covered with painted film
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if incorrectly used.
5) Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1) Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and other precious
stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3) May spontaneously explode if left with male.
4) Insoluble in liquids: activity greatly increased by saturation with
alcohol.
5) Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES
1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2) Can be a great aid to relaxation.

TESTS
1) Pure specimen turns a rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2) Turns a green color when placed beside a better specimen

HAZARDS
1) Highly dangerous -- except in experienced hands!
2) Illegal to posses more than one!


 
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