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Mechanic's Tool Guide

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Mechanic\'s Tool Guide

Mechanic's Tool Guide
>>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
>>used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
>>object we are trying to hit.
>>MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
>>cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
>>on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
>>ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
>>holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
>>mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
>>PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>>HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>>principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
>>motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
>>your future becomes.
>>VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
>>available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
>>palm of your hand.
>>OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
>>objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
>>a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>>WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
>>motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
>>socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>>DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
>>metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
>>flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
>>painted part you were drying.
>>WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
>>under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
>>whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
>>say, "Ouc...."
>>HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after
>>you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
>>handle firmly under the front fender.
>>EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward
>>off a hydraulic jack.
>>TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>>PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
>>floor jack.
>>SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
>>spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
>>E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
>>is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>>TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
>>TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
>>strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
>>CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
>>inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
>>without the handle.
>>BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
>>from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
>>your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>>TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
>>light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
>>not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
>>its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
>>that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during ,say, the first few
>>hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
>>somewhat misleading.
>>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
>>paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
>>the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>>AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
>>power plant 200 miles away and transforms it intocompressed air that
>>travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
>>wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in
>>Springfield, and rounds them off.
>>PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
>>bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Tim Springer
1980 CJ7
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Re: Mechanic\'s Tool Guide

/wwwthreads_images/icons/crazy.gif This list could ONLY have been written by someone who has done it. VERY GOOD Tim.....I hate to admit how many of those fit some of my earlier shop experience. Heck, some LATER shop experiences too! Let X equal the number of 40 watt light bulbs sent to the happy hunting ground of incandesence. Let Y equal the number of household lamps robbed to keep the project going. I especially like the one about EZ outs broke off in holes. When I had my machine shop, the guys would come in to have a stud removed, and try to act nonchalant and in reality they had a broken bit or EZ out in the hole. Being a nice guy, I would pretend not to notice. So while they got a coke from the machine to try to act casual, I would take their part into the welding shop and wire weld a hex nut on the broken stud, heating the crap out of the EZ out, the drill, and whatever else was in there. THEN I would tell them they owed me a coke for the broke off tool being in there./wwwthreads_images/icons/wink.gif In their extreme relief and embarassment, they would practically break their arm getting out 50 cents (this was back in the 50 cent coke days) to get me a coke to drink while the heat-expanded stud shrank back and practically FELL out./wwwthreads_images/icons/crazy.gifSometimes I just LOVED that business!/wwwthreads_images/icons/smile.gif

I never believe any statistics unless my moonguys /wwwthreads_images/icons/crazy.gif/wwwthreads_images/icons/wink.gif made 'em up themselves.
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