Jeep (off road) humor

This was sent to me from another list. Perhaps it has been on this list, but haven't seen it. Thought you might enjoy it.

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> >Help me please!! I am having a female over for dinner. I remembered
> >everything..flowers, candles, chocolates. BUt I did forget one thing. The
> >corkscrew to take the cork out of the bottle of wine!! I do not have one
> >and none of my neighbors do either. Is there anyway I can get the cork out
> >by using something else??
> >
> >Mandatory Jeep content...I get to drive her home in my Jeep!!! Which she
> >already loves!!
> >
> >Later and thanks in advance..
>
> From: David Bandel <[email protected]>
> Subject: Re: Emergency!! -The MANLY way to do it...
>
> Since this is a Jeeping list, this is how you do it:
>
> Remember the first rule is never Drink alone! (well, looks like you have
> that covered..) ;^)
>
>1) Call buddies and have them come over with their Jeeps (fully loaded,
> ready for action)
>2) Air down tires to 0 psi.
>3) Lay wine bottle down in soft ground, not a hard surface.
>4) Drive one aired-down tire onto wine bottle so that bottle is firmly
> trapped and cannot budge. This is a real test of your Jeeping ability- Have
> your Buddy spot you! One wrong move, and the whole operation could be
> ruined!
>5) Dig a small hole with your handy-dandy camp shovel under the mouth of the
> wine bottle, just big enough to put a dixie cup under there.
>6) Pull out your tire chuck, hose, and connect to York On-Board Air.
>7) From your spares box that you always keep fully stocked and ready in the
> back of your Jeep, find one spare tire valve stem (metal type) and some
> JB-Weld.
>8) With Gerber Multi-tool, cut the rubber end of the tire stem and file the
> metal shroud to a sharp point.
>9) Using the cleaning awl from your tire repair kit, punch a hole through
> the cork. Quickly jam valve stem through cork and secure with JB Weld to
> the cork (stuff sticks to anything)..
>10) Beer break. Call girlfriend and tell her dinner is going to be late.
>11) After JB Weld has hardened, attach air chuck to valve and "inflate" wine
> bottle till cork pops out.
>12) IF ABOVE STEP DOES NOT WORK: Using valve stem valve remover tool, remove
> valve from stem. Have a Buddy (who did not drink a Beer in step 10) back
> Jeep off of wine bottle. wrap wine bottle with ratchet strap and snug
> securely. Get Spray starting fluid from your spares/trail box, and a book
> of matches.
>13) Spray good amount of starting fluid (1-2 seconds worth) down falve stem.
> Remove one match and close matchbook. Light match, yell "FIRE IN THE
> HOLE!!!" and toss match at valve stem opening. IMPORTANT SAFETY ITEM: Make
> sure Buddy/buddies/Dog/Jeep/House/etc is NOT in the line of fire when you
> do this.
>14) Remove tire valve stem from buddy's forehead, who wasn't listening (and
> seems to be stuck on step #10, as there are a heck of a lot more beer cans
> on the ground than YOU remember opening)..
>15) Remember to send thank you note to the nice Emergency Room nurse.
>16) Call girlfriend and let her know dinner will be a bit later still. Ask
> if she prefers take-out.
>17) Since Cork (still in bottle) now has a larger hole in it, plug hole with
> 1/2" or larger self-tapping eyelet. Secure with more JB Weld. Have a buddy
> (there all drunk now, so don't be picky) park the Jeep back on the bottle.
>18) Have other buddy with the new Warn Hs9500i play out about 20 ft of
> cable. Attach hook from winch to eyelet in wine bottle.
>19) Throw empty cardboard from the case of beer over winch cable for safety.
>20) Slowly take up slack in cable until cork pops out of bottle. Skip to
> step 23.
>21) IF ABOVE STEP DOES NOT WORK: Promise buddy to pay for the new
> windshield, softop, and high-back seat that was destroyed by wine bottle
> travelling at slightly sub-sonic speed. Take buddy back to Emergency Room
> for lacerations from broken glass. Talk to cute nurse again. Get her phone
> number.
>22) Stop at quicky-Mart and get wine cooler 4-pack. Buy more Beer for
> buddies, whom are quite hacked off at you at this point.
>23) Call girlfriend. Ask if next Friday night is good for her.
>24) IF ABOVE STEP DOES NOT WORK: Call cute nurse. Ask what time she gets off
> work. Tell her you have no problem fixing dinner at 4AM, that's about what
> time you'll be cleaned up. Ask if she likes beer.
>25) Throw wine in garbage can.

Doug '97 TJ
Creator of the CBrack
CBrack.com