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6,784 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just to keep this on topic....
I was riding in my jeep the first time I heard this....

This is an e-mail I got yesterday...


I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a
half-dozen nuggets. "We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said
the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't
order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?" "That's right"
was the reply. So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was
doing, she said she was shopping on the internet and they asked
for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM "thingy".
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do
you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my
car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would
have battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this
remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries . . . it's too long
to walk."
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day
he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told him. With
that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister".
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set
the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from
the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the
next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the
amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless
to say, she was very disappointed.

And you guys think I'm too hard on them when they show up here....

So Many Cats, So Few Recipes...

7,901 Posts
Who says this isn't jeep related? What a stress reliever from working on it! I love it, never laughed so hard 'cause it's TRUE! Gonna print this one for JEEPNCHICK!

'81 CJ-8 Scrambled!
GM151/SM465/NP205 twinstick/7"Lift/33"TSL's/IHC D44's 4.10's Lock'd

6,784 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Laugh so hard you blow MILK out of your nose?!?!

Just had to throw that one in!

So Many Cats, So Few Recipes...

6,784 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I got asked about the Chili Cookoff Joke, and I don't want to start another joke thread, so for those that missed it, here is the Chili joke again.

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity from TEXAS to be a judge at a chili cook-off, basically because no one else wanted to do it.
Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're a writer and known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to betaken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill.
I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke!?
Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill!
My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano!
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kind of cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one wants to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me.
Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late! Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.
Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: Is that you mama?

So Many Cats, So Few Recipes...

614 Posts
Speaking of those McDonalds types... A few months ago the 6 piece was on sale for a buck. But the other sizes were normal price. So I order 3 six pieces for 3 bucks. The cashier asked why I didn't just order the 20 piece. The 20 piece is 5 bucks. Duh? She didn't get it.


dambit,LMFAO between the chili and
People Eating Tasty Animals.
I hate off topic posts

ALL THOSE WHO WANDER ARE NOT NECESSARLY LOST /wwwthreads_images/icons/cool.gif

I run a computer help desk in the evenings. One night this lady calls and says that she can't get her Email. After about 5 mins on the phone listening to her *itch about our service. Well to make a long story short, she could not believe that she had to use her one and only telephone line just so she could check her email. She swore up and down that the salesman that sold her our service said she didn't have to. And I know thats wrong because I am the one she talked to.

Home Page

True story:

While interning for Toys 'r' us in their computer deparptment at HQ, a secratery from the texas district called in a service ticket on her brand new IBM laptop. The problem was, as best the service desk could figure was that the video card was bad and they sent it to us to figure out. So after four days of working with the woman on the phone, bringing in an identical laptop to see what she should be seeing, bringing IBM in on the case, etc etc... We have her ship the laptop to us in Nj. It worked fine for us. not a problem in the world. So we sent it back to Texas. It wouldn't work again. Two days later we ship it back to Nj, and it works. Send it back and it doesn't work. 2 weeks and a day after getting the orgional call this is the conversation:
Tech- OK, your're turning the laptop on.
sectratery- yes
T- the screen is still blank, there is no noise, nothing.
S- nothing.
T- you pushed the button in and slid it towards the back of the computer, right?
S- OH, you have to push the power button in!? I didn't want to break it so I just touched it.

So it took us two weeks to educate somebody in how to turn on a computer. Marvelous world we live in.
btw - we also had eight or nine people working on that project. It prepared me for my jeep, and some of the trail fixes we've had to come up with...
just to keep it relivant.

Florida Mud CJ-5
'77 RB304, t-150 D20 4" 35" swampers

Good stuff, TeamRush!

You know, about the off topic thing: jeep people have gotta be flexible, informal, imaginative and show ingenuity just to keep the things motating down the road, much less through the bog or over the rocks.

Point is: keep all the posts coming. Jeeping is life and life is more than nuts, bolts and gears.

Bone stock rigs: '81 CJ7, '96 ZJ. Moab every summer!

6,355 Posts
/wwwthreads_images/icons/cool.gif has been about thirty years since I heard the word "Motate'./wwwthreads_images/icons/crazy.gif As xj173 can tell you, about fifty percent of all equipment service calls in health care facilities can be solved over the phone by these four words: "Is it plugged in?" /wwwthreads_images/icons/laugh.gif

I never believe any statistics unless my moonguys /wwwthreads_images/icons/crazy.gif/wwwthreads_images/icons/wink.gif made 'em up themselves.

328 Posts
As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of
the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm. The
Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice
pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are
authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary,
and I got one for Chelsea."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies,
"Nice trade, sir."

Loose nut behind the wheel
Another right-wing conservative.....
Born and raised in Jeep-Town
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