Here are a few one-liners you might enjoy.
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Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. --- John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love, and he's questioning Bush's judgment??"
--- Jay Leno
"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint, he gets $1,000 haircuts."
--- Craig Kilborn
"There was a really embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser.
When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.' "
--- Graig Kilborn
The movie,'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him."
"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then Nader spoke."
"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for
throwing away his Vietnam medals, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Jay Leno.' Of course, there are two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them."
"Kerry was here in Los Angeles, courting the Hispanic vote by speaking someSpanish.
And he showed people he could be boring in two languages."
"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride,
fell off right in front of he news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall.
Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived,
Kerry felt well enough to give the officers conflicting reports about what happened."
"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week.
If Kerry is elected president, she'll be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry. He said, 'Sure we're getting older, but to me, she
still looks like a million bucks!'"
"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich... As opposed to John
Kerry, who just marries them."
"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq."
"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the
election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for
the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality."
"The White House begun airing TV commercials to reelect the president, and the
Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the memory of a national tragedy in order to get elected...Unless of course, it's the Vietnam War."
"John Kerry has promised to "take this country back" from the wealthy.
Well who better than a guy worth $700 million? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons, at his castle in France... He's like a mole for the working man."
"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind, and now supports the ban on gay
marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton."
"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So, that's why
John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues."
"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young intern. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said, 'Close, but no
---Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich. His wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'"
"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was
worth around $300 million and Teresa, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's "going after the wealthy" in this country, he's not just talking. He's actually doing it!"
"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was "the beginning of the end of the Bush administration" and I agree.Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it."