Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Mountain Home Idaho
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
Subject: Chili reception
> A Texas Chili Contest. If you can read this whole story without tears
of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!
> Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The
notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Canada.
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from
> Chili 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge 2 --
> Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge 3 -- (Frank) Holy !!##,
> what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> Chili 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge 2
> -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppe rs to be taken seriously.
> Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
> Chili 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting !!##-faced from
all of the beer.
> Chili 4 Bubba's Black Magic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge
-- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
> barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
> That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this is nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
> Chili 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring of f my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> Chili 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
> Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I !!## myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slu t Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> Chili 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> Judge 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.** Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my
mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in
one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava like !!## to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
> breathing, it's to o painful.
> Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!
> Chili 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili