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post #1 of (permalink) Old 03-04-2003, 10:24 PM
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France, What a Joke

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of
French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more
action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second
Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the
fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost.
Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home
alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. Prompted massive
ad campaign for surplus French World War II rifles: "Never fired, only
dropped once."

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the
Dien Bien Flu. Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a
western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces
the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule
is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to
Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. Classic Quote: "Going
to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --
Donald Rumsfeld
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post #2 of (permalink) Old 03-05-2003, 08:30 AM
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Re: France, What a Joke

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post #3 of (permalink) Old 03-05-2003, 08:45 AM
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Re: France, What a Joke

[img]images/graemlins/goodpost.gif[/img] to both of you! the french people are protesting there own government for not going to war. the people of france want to help but there officials wont let them
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post #4 of (permalink) Old 03-05-2003, 04:27 PM
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Re: France, What a Joke

bravo! that took a lot of typing. I took world history last year and couldnt remember half the stuff you listed, well, i guess it has something to do with drawing pics of trucks rather than taking notes. [img]images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img] . [img]images/graemlins/goodpost.gif[/img]
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