O/T THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese - Off-Road Forums & Discussion Groups
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post #1 of (permalink) Old 12-20-2001, 02:11 PM Thread Starter
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O/T THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese

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Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did
occur at a certain improved piece of real property
(hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all
creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had
been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the
hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/
Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime
thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the
aforementioned House were located in their individual beds
and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams,
wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not
limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance,
cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of
the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter
"Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period
of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various
forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did
occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and
appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain
disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The
party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in
the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with
some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh
(hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.
The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was,
the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and
guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and
specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and
Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and
belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-
conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and
the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs
of several residences located adjacent to and in the
vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was
heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown
origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or
permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived
at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially
covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a
large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned
packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what
appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation
of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the
stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the
chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did
not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to
the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his
nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the
House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or
served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an
unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and
Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear
Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to
all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

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post #2 of (permalink) Old 12-20-2001, 02:49 PM
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Re: O/T THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese

AH! Just leave it to the <font color=red>lawyers</font color=red> [img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/mad.gif[/img] to <font color=green>screw</font color=green> everything up! [img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

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post #3 of (permalink) Old 12-20-2001, 03:25 PM
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Re: O/T THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese

Leve that was great did you write it?

Take care of the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves.
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post #4 of (permalink) Old 12-20-2001, 03:59 PM
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Re: O/T THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese

I work in the courthouse in San Juan County, so I printed that one up to pass around, how appropriate! [img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/laugh.gif[/img]

Brad
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post #5 of (permalink) Old 12-20-2001, 04:18 PM
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Re: O/T THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese

Here's a whole page of Night Before Xmas parodies, there's aboout 20 of em here:
http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/bltwas.htm
Enjoy![img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

Brad
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post #6 of (permalink) Old 12-20-2001, 09:31 PM
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Re: O/T THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese

BTT <font color=red>Merry</font color=red> <font color=green>Christmas!</font color=green> [img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

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post #7 of (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 12:01 AM
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Re: O/T THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese

The technical writers version.

'Twas The Night Before Christmas


'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."


They that can give up essential
liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.


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post #8 of (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 10:23 AM
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Re: O/T THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese

btt

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post #9 of (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 11:24 AM
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Re: O/T THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese

Cajun Style[img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/smile.gif[/img][img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/smile.gif[/img]



'Twas the night before Christmas
An' all t'ru de house
Dey don't a t'ing pass
Not even a mouse.

De chirren been nezzle
Good snug on de flo'
An' Mama pass de pepper
T'ru de crack on de do'.

Den Mama in de fireplace
Done roas' up de ham
Stir up de gumbo
An' make bake de yam.

Den out on de by-you
Dey got such a clatta
Make soun' like ole Boudreau
Done fall off his ladder.

I run like a rabbit
To got to do do'
Trip over de dorg
An' fall on de flo'!

As I look out de do'
In de light o' de moon
I t'ink "Manh, you crazy
Or got ol' too soon."

Cuz dere on de by-you
W'en I stretch ma' neck stiff
Dere's eight alligator
A pullin' de skiff.

An' a little fat drover
Wit' a long pole-ing stick
I know r'at away
Got to be ole St. Nick.

Mo' fas'er and fas'er
De 'gator day came
He whistle an' holler
An' call dem by name:

"Ha, Gaston!
Ha, Tiboy!
Ha, Pierre an' Alcee!
Gee, Ninette!
Gee, Suzette!
Celeste an' Renee!"

"To de top o' de porch
To de top o' de wall
Make crawl, alligator,
An' be sho' you don't fall."

Like Tante Flo's cat
T'ru de treetop he fly
W'en de big ole houn' dorg
Come a run hisse'f by

Like dat up de porch
Dem ole' gator clim!
Wit' de skiff full o'toy
An' St. Nicklus behin'.

Den on top de porch roof
It soun' like de hail
W'en all dem big 'gator
Done sot down dey tail.

Den down de chimney
I yell wit' a bam
An' St. Nicklus fall
An' sit on de yam.

"Sacre!" he axclaim
"Ma pant got a hole
I done sot ma'se'f
On dem red hot coal."

He got on his foots
An' jump like a cat!
Out to de flo'
Where he lan' wit' a SPLAT!

He was dress in musk-rat
From his head to his foot
An' his clothes is all dirty
Wit' ashes an' soot.
A sack full o'playt'ing
He t'row on his back
He looked like a burglar
An dass fo' a fack.

His eyes how dey shine
His dimple, how merry!
Maybe he been drink
De wine from blackberry.
His cheek was like rose
His nose like a cherry
On secon' t'ought maybe
He lap up de sherry.

Wit' snow-white chin whisker
An' quiverin' belly
He shook w'en he laugh
Like de stromberry jelly!
But a wink in his eye
An' a shook o' his head
Make my confi-dence dat
I don't got to be scared.

He don' do no talkin'
Gone straight to his work
Put playt'ing in sock
An' den turn wit' a jerk.

He put bot' his han'
Dere on top o' his head
Cas' an eye on de chimney
An' den he done said:
"Wit' all o'dat fire
An' dem burnin' hot flame
Me I ain' goin' back
By de way dat I came."

So he run out de do'
An' he clim' to de roof
He ain' no fool, him
For to make one more goof.

He jump in his skiff
An' crack his big whip
De 'gator move down
An' don' make one slip.

An' I hear him shout loud
As a splashin' he go
"Merry Christmas to all
"Till I saw you some mo'!"





<font color=red>I may not like what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.<font color=black>
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post #10 of (permalink) Old 12-22-2001, 10:54 AM
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Re: O/T THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese

BTT so all can see. [img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

"It's a Jeep thing... and I DO understand"
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