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post #1 of (permalink) Old 12-10-2001, 09:02 PM Thread Starter
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Haynes manual translations

I grabbed this off another board......I thought that I'd share it.

Adam Sparks wrote:

> For those of you who must wrench your own cars, and use the Hanyes
> >manuals, I offer the following translations:
> >
> >Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
> >Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
> >counterclockwise.
> >
> >Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> >Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
> >
> >Haynes: This is a tight fit.
> >Translation: Not a hope in hell, bucko!
> >
> >Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
> >Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now
> >you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox...
> >
> >Haynes: Pry...
> >Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
> >
> >Haynes: Undo...
> >Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...
> >
> >Haynes: Retain small spring...
> >Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"
> >
> >Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
> >Translation: "OK - thats the glass part off, now use some good pliers to
> >dig out the base...
> >
> >Haynes: Lightly...
> >Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins in your
> >forehead are throbbing...
> >
> >Haynes: Routine maintenance...
> >Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
> >
> >Haynes: One spanner rating.
> >Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to botch
> >it up?
> >
> >Haynes: Two spanner rating.
> >Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
> >tiny, 'little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map
> >of the Tokyo underground.
> >
> >Haynes: Three spanner rating.
> >Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!
> >
> >Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
> >Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
> >
> >Haynes: Compress...
> >Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
> >throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage
> >for while muttering "Piece of [email protected]" repeatedly under your breath.
> >
> >Haynes: Inspect...
> >Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
> >looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
> >thought, it's broke!"
> >
> >Haynes: Carefully...
> >Translation: You are about to cut yourself.
> >
> >Haynes: Retaining nut...
> >Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
> >
> >Haynes: Get an assistant...
> >Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
> >
> >Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
> >Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
> >Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start
> >to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
> >
> >Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
> >Translation: But you swear in different places.
> >
> >Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
> >Translation: Snap off...
> >
> >Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
> >Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
> >
> >Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> >Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
> >
> >Haynes: Index
> >Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to
> >do!

Now that I've quit smoking my doctor informs me that I'll die in much better health!!!
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post #2 of (permalink) Old 12-10-2001, 10:26 PM
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Re: Haynes manual translations

I think I broke something while I was laughing! Thanks for the post!

"Fly low, fly fast, turn left!"--advice to new Reno Airracing pilots.
cj5_pilot is offline  
post #3 of (permalink) Old 12-11-2001, 11:16 AM
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Re: Haynes manual translations

That was great, Only someone who was used thoose knows thoose pains.
I think my next trip to the part store I'm looking for a chiltons.

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post #4 of (permalink) Old 12-11-2001, 01:27 PM
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Re: Haynes manual translations

heh... Chilton's CJ manual has a nice exploded drawing of a T-90 with the caption "exploded view of T98." While none of the parts actually look the same, at least they changed the numbers on all the parts to make it look like it wasn't a misprint.

Needless to say, rebuilding a T98 with Chilton's "help" is an experience.

Personally, I say own both of them. Then, you'll at least have a 25% chance of having accurate information on any single topic.

Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you
fullygruntled is offline  
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