I grabbed this off another board......I thought that I'd share it.
Adam Sparks wrote:
> For those of you who must wrench your own cars, and use the Hanyes
> >manuals, I offer the following translations:
> >Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
> >Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
> >Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> >Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
> >Haynes: This is a tight fit.
> >Translation: Not a hope in hell, bucko!
> >Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
> >Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now
> >you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox...
> >Haynes: Pry...
> >Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
> >Haynes: Undo...
> >Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...
> >Haynes: Retain small spring...
> >Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"
> >Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
> >Translation: "OK - thats the glass part off, now use some good pliers to
> >dig out the base...
> >Haynes: Lightly...
> >Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins in your
> >forehead are throbbing...
> >Haynes: Routine maintenance...
> >Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
> >Haynes: One spanner rating.
> >Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to botch
> >it up?
> >Haynes: Two spanner rating.
> >Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
> >tiny, 'little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map
> >of the Tokyo underground.
> >Haynes: Three spanner rating.
> >Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!
> >Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
> >Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
> >Haynes: Compress...
> >Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
> >throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage
> >for while muttering "Piece of [email protected]
" repeatedly under your breath.
> >Haynes: Inspect...
> >Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
> >looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
> >thought, it's broke!"
> >Haynes: Carefully...
> >Translation: You are about to cut yourself.
> >Haynes: Retaining nut...
> >Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
> >Haynes: Get an assistant...
> >Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
> >Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
> >Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
> >Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start
> >to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
> >Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
> >Translation: But you swear in different places.
> >Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
> >Translation: Snap off...
> >Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
> >Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
> >Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> >Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
> >Haynes: Index
> >Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to
Now that I've quit smoking my doctor informs me that I'll die in much better health!!!