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post #1 of (permalink) Old 06-06-2000, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
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FUNNY STUFF! (Off Topic Again)

For those of you that don't know, Christoper Titus used to do the show car circuit years ago.
He has a TV show now, and it's so funny, it will make your eyes bleed, and salsa dip come out of your nose.
Chris Titus is a really good guy, and just what you see on TV.
We had to bunk with him a few times back in the day, when we had no dignity and even less money...

Chris wrote this about the products manufactured by one of my best friends, and it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in the magazines.
For any of you that have ever tried to do some major upgrade just before a major trip/ event, you'll relate fully!!

I can quit anytime...
By: Christoper Titus

The day the box arrives is a joyous one!
Angels sing and the gods smile as you hold up your beautiful new parts, unscratched and virgin.
Thinking of how much COOLER your ride will be, you laugh like a five year old and fall back into the pile of bubble wrap and styrofoam peanuts,
You call your friends, "Dude I'm gonna "Bolt on" my new "coolestthingever" and we'll go cruising!"
.................................................. .

The next you watch the sun rise from under your now stripped vehicle. Stripped because you have to pull the inner fenders and weld in a bracket so you can "BOLT ON" the "coolestthingever."

Annoyed that you have to crawl from under the car, (excuse me, frame) to explain to the police officers that you are not missing and had your wife just looked out the window she would have seen a rough, grease covered blob shaped like her husband.
You plead for the cops to help you on your thrash.
"Officers, I pay your salaries, how hard could it be? IT SAYS BOLT ON!"

They shake their heads sadly and walk down the driveway to the cruiser.
In frustration you scream "I got a buddy with a '94 Impala SS that will dust that Crown Vic, you bastards!"

The police report reads: "Temporary insanity caused by pre-event thrash."
.................................................. ...................

Near midnight on the seventh day of my yearly mega thrash, I realized why I only take on a project of this magnitude once a year.
See, starting a huge rod modification months before it needs to be done, for some reason doesn't appeal to me.
NOOOO! I need to build and install a new motor, two (if I am focused) three days before an event, max.

Why does "bolt on" rarely mean that?
In the rodders dictionary under "Bolt on" it says: SEE WELDING AND FABRICATION.
I refuse to buy any "Bolt on" kit, unless they include three extra "drop and lose" bolts.
There's a Home Depot and two auto parts stores within a five block radius of my house.
Yet every year I put an extra three thousand miles on my car running to get a bolt or spring or shim of some sort, and another two thousand miles on the knees of my coveralls looking for the original bolt that vanished from my garage floor.

Hundreds of years from now archeologists will find a huge "bolt mine" directly under where house once stood.
Sadly the mine will be of no use to future generations because there will be only one of each size bolt, one of each size nut, and 312 Makita cordless drill chuck keys.
Someone needs to make a cordless drill with a cord so there's something to tape the damn chuck key to!
.................................................. ...................

Recently, I used my influence as an automotive journalist to "get a deal" on a complete Air Ride Technologies suspension.
Believe me there is not a big funnel of cool parts going to my house because I write for this illustrious publication.
I got a small price break and some great help from Bret, the owner.
Now when I say "help" I mean Bret talked to me for a while, trying to judge my suspension building abilities.
My Red Flag system must have shorted out because it didn't even register when he finally said "Who are you gonna have install it?
.................................................. ...................

Day One
I size up the parts, "Cool,... cool,...what the hell is that?"
I bolt in the compressor and air tank, wire it in and turn it on.
Then almost soil myself thinking I'm the victim of a drive-by when the plug in the air outlet rifle shoots across my garage at the speed of light!
Mood: Excellent. Didn't even get dirty, Underwear still clean.

Day Two
My brilliant custom painter/ car builder friend, and proprietor of "PrimoCustoms" Ricky Primo, comes over to help.
I tell him I'm gonna "bolt on" the brackets for the air bags.
He rips them from my hand and takes me by the earlobe to "Mega Warehouse Mart Club" where I'm forced to purchase a MIG welder.
Mood: Slightly worried. Earlobe, sore. But it's easier to walk because my wallet is much lighter.

Day Three
Don't be afraid! The sawzall is my friend!
After cutting out the old shock mounts and various other bits, we measure for two hours to make sure that we won't bottom or top out the new shocks that I have to purchase.
I discover Rick has blown up his welder and would like to borrow the one just purchased. Coincidence? I don't think so.
He asks just as he is about to lay a bead on the air bag brackets.
Please! Yes! Take my wife, anything! Just weld!
Like a drug dealer Ricky smiles and lays down a perfect bead....
At 3:00 A.M the rear brackets are finally welded in. Rear air suspension operational.
Mood: Happy, could be sleep deprivation induced. Wallet extremely light.

Day Four
Rick accompanies me to the metal shop where we purchase supplies to build spring cups for the front air bags to bolt to.
Wallet empty.
We measure, cut, weld, grind and grind more.
Rick builds beautiful pieces for the car. Way beyond my meager ability.
When he finishes I tear up like a three year old finding his mommy after being lost at Disney World.
It takes ten minutes for Rick to make me let go of his leg.
MOOD: Scared that Rick will not always be here. Offer to adopt him.

Day Five
Rick gets back to his own life! I have become a co-dependent rodder!
Solo, I bolt in the front bags. They don't clear! I have to cut and weld, BY MYSELF!
I've only watched Rick. I attempt welding. After grinding out the first two tries, I get the brackets welded in!
Although I used enough weld to fix the hole in the first three bulkheads on the Titanic.
It's 4:00AM, I am hallucinating and have 14,876 pinhole burns in my coveralls, half that many on my arms.

Day Six
I hate my car.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack...
Like a junkie in the final stages, I drag my butt back under, weld in new rear shock mounts, bolt in shocks, limiting straps, and reroute air lines.
Finish at 4:45 AM.
MOOD: Gpvz xtykj ewqP UYT*7!

Day Seven
The payoff. I test the entire system. My '56 Chevy drops to within 1/2 inch of planet earth and it looks sooooo cool!
Raising it to the max height will clear any bump or driveway on the North American continent!
MOOD: Like a mother who just gave birth.
.................................................. ..................

I'm done. I don't need to work on the car anymore. I mean, it doesn't need anything. I could just leave it like it is and I would be totally happy....but, you know, if I ditched the bumpers and fabricated a complete roll pan up to the...OH NO...ALL RIGHT!! I...can't...stop,
I admit it. a rodaholic.
I'd like to thank Rick at Primo Customs and Bret at Air Ride Technologies for enabling me in these areas. See you guys at the meetings.

Keep the Flow, Titus

(Article taken from Goodguys Goodtimes Gazette, June 1998 issue.)

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post #2 of (permalink) Old 06-06-2000, 08:48 PM
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Re: FUNNY STUFF! (Off Topic Again)

The Titus show is great, i even stop working on the jeep to watch it.

post #3 of (permalink) Old 06-06-2000, 09:27 PM
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Re: FUNNY STUFF! (Off Topic Again)

That show is funny! You mean to say it is actually founded in some truth?

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post #4 of (permalink) Old 06-08-2000, 01:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: FUNNY STUFF! (Off Topic Again)

He worked for more than one of the companies that had traveling display trucks...
He was the first one done with no matter what task was required, so we could get into trouble...
He's really a sharp guy!

He also just about got arrested in Southern Illinois at the Street Machine Nationals in about 88 or 89...
He and two other guys (fellow employee and his boss) acquired a water balloon sling shot so big that took three people to operate... (Titus was the ring leader...)
They were lobbing water balloons the size of large grapefruits over the Hotel, across the two lane highway, across the hotel across the street, and bombing the rival guys in the back parking lot...
(Sort of a wet 'Scud Missile' thing going on...)
We went to see where the balloons were coming down.
The balloons stopped just about the time we got to the back parking lot of the hotel across the street.... So we went back to the Holiday Inn to see what happened...
We went around the corner of the hotel just in time to see them put Titus's boss in the back seat of a police car!!
Titus was hanging over the second floor railing, hollering at the top of his lungs,
"I told you not to do it! But do you ever listen to me? NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

He also got all of us into a fight with a bunch of bikers one time...
He tried to 'Taste' a wrestler in a chocolate pudding wrestling match...
Turned out to be the old lady of one of the bikers...

The cops in several places would get really bent if you had signs that said,
"Show Your Tits".
Titus spent $300 on a 2' X 3' neon sign that said, "Expose Thy Breasts"....
He said it had, 'Class'....

Titus isn't quite all there, but he is just what you see...
He's VERY bright, a little hyper active, and He's also a really nice guy...

Look for the Air Ride Technologies and ShockWave logos, stickers and banners to show up in the next season of shows...
We just shipped them, along with a complete Shock Wave Air Ride System for his 56, and he's going to install on the show...
He never asks for free stuff. He paid for every bit of the Air Ride System...
(He got all the banners and extra stickers and window decals for free!! Can't blame us for trying!!)

"I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha"
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post #5 of (permalink) Old 06-08-2000, 06:07 AM
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Re: FUNNY STUFF! (Off Topic Again)

Hey TR, when is his show on? About the only show we get here that I have seen is on TNN--that Truck show that comes on Saturday afternoon. Must be PBS or is it on a private network? Sounds hilarious. You gotta be careful with those slingshots, I saw a water balloon crunch a windshield on a car going 40 mph!! The driver was totally unsuspecting and nearly lost control. Lucky results for the two high school kids who launched it--no law suit and just suspended for a couple days.[img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/shocked.gif[/img]
At any rate, sounds like a cool show and a story anyone here can relate to[img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

Brit [img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/laugh.gif[/img]
85 CJ7 [img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/tongue.gif[/img][img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/smile.gif[/img]
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post #6 of (permalink) Old 06-08-2000, 09:08 AM
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Re: FUNNY STUFF! (Off Topic Again)

[img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/crazy.gif[/img] "Fits all Jeeps, some drilling required." translation: all you will need is a welder a torch and a complete machine shop.[img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/crazy.gif[/img]

Quadra-Trac modified by the crack moonguy[img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/wink.gif[/img][img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/smile.gif[/img][img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/tongue.gif[/img] transfer case team.
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post #7 of (permalink) Old 06-08-2000, 09:38 AM
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Re: FUNNY STUFF! (Off Topic Again)

I liked the part about the pinhole burns. Had many of them. I was tacking my exaust up to hold for later welding it up and got a lot of pinhole burns in my sweat shirt and pants. Then I laid back down and put my arm right in a molten drip that landed on the drive way. Man that hurt. I should leave a pretty good scar-it still hurts five days later. Then there was the time when a spark ignited the nylon tongue of my old leather Nike cross trainers. tha was pretty funny. Just glad that I did't burn my foot on that one.

I think everyone should learn to weld!

<font color=blue>engine rebuild w/4.0 head done, now for the MPI</font color=blue>
post #8 of (permalink) Old 06-08-2000, 01:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: FUNNY STUFF! (Off Topic Again)

Titus is on Fox Network, on Sunday Night I think...
This is the time of year when they move everything around so much I can't keep track.
I don't watch much TV anyway, but I'll come in out of the shop for Titus!

Law & Order and Titus are the only two shows I'll set down and watch on regular TV.

I like A&E, TLC, TDC, ZDTV and some of the PBS shows, but I don't think much of the rest of it.
TV is why we can't hire any good help anymore... They are all 'vidiots' (Video Idiots)
(remember, you heard that here first...)
First it was smurfs, now it's pokemon. The next generation of welfare morons have arrived...

What happened to Johnny Quest?
Or the Coyote trying to build something?
(Never, EVER buy ACME rockets or slingshots!)

Stick a fork in me.... I'm done whinning now...

Later folks...

"I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha"
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post #9 of (permalink) Old 06-08-2000, 01:37 PM
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Re: FUNNY STUFF! (Off Topic Again)

I comes on Monday nights on FOX. Since 'Home Improvement' with Tim Allen went off the air, Titus has been one of my fav's! Now if they could just get a decent off-road based program going instead of these stupid "Who want's to be a schmuck?" shows, or these MTV 'Real World' spin-offs! I won't let my kids watch that crap since it's as far from 'real' as it could possibly be. It's about as real as a video game! How about a show that's about Moab, or wheelin' in the Four-Corners areas with Tech segments. That'll never happen since the greenies have too much 'presence' in the world of entertainment! Too bad. I think that would change many peoples opinions about off-roaders being a 'bunch of hick dumb arses that can't think of anything better to do than go shoot up something or tear up mother earth in their Jeeps'. Ever notice that most of them think that all ORV's are Jeeps? Just goes to show how un-educated these dinks really are!! Sorry, I'm starting to spin up a little bit... Calming down now 1, 2, 3 ...... Bret

'56 CJ-5, 283, t-90/d18, 27/44, 2.5"(soon), 33's(soon), cage.
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