FUNNY STUFF! (Off Topic Again)
For those of you that don't know, Christoper Titus used to do the show car circuit years ago.
He has a TV show now, and it's so funny, it will make your eyes bleed, and salsa dip come out of your nose.
Chris Titus is a really good guy, and just what you see on TV.
We had to bunk with him a few times back in the day, when we had no dignity and even less money...
Chris wrote this about the products manufactured by one of my best friends, and it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in the magazines.
For any of you that have ever tried to do some major upgrade just before a major trip/ event, you'll relate fully!!
I can quit anytime...
By: Christoper Titus
The day the box arrives is a joyous one!
Angels sing and the gods smile as you hold up your beautiful new parts, unscratched and virgin.
Thinking of how much COOLER your ride will be, you laugh like a five year old and fall back into the pile of bubble wrap and styrofoam peanuts,
You call your friends, "Dude I'm gonna "Bolt on" my new "coolestthingever" and we'll go cruising!"
The next morning....as you watch the sun rise from under your now stripped vehicle. Stripped because you have to pull the inner fenders and weld in a bracket so you can "BOLT ON" the "coolestthingever."
Annoyed that you have to crawl from under the car, (excuse me, frame) to explain to the police officers that you are not missing and had your wife just looked out the window she would have seen a rough, grease covered blob shaped like her husband.
You plead for the cops to help you on your thrash.
"Officers, I pay your salaries, how hard could it be? IT SAYS BOLT ON!"
They shake their heads sadly and walk down the driveway to the cruiser.
In frustration you scream "I got a buddy with a '94 Impala SS that will dust that Crown Vic, you bastards!"
The police report reads: "Temporary insanity caused by pre-event thrash."
Near midnight on the seventh day of my yearly mega thrash, I realized why I only take on a project of this magnitude once a year.
See, starting a huge rod modification months before it needs to be done, for some reason doesn't appeal to me.
NOOOO! I need to build and install a new motor, two (if I am focused) three days before an event, max.
Why does "bolt on" rarely mean that?
In the rodders dictionary under "Bolt on" it says: SEE WELDING AND FABRICATION.
I refuse to buy any "Bolt on" kit, unless they include three extra "drop and lose" bolts.
There's a Home Depot and two auto parts stores within a five block radius of my house.
Yet every year I put an extra three thousand miles on my car running to get a bolt or spring or shim of some sort, and another two thousand miles on the knees of my coveralls looking for the original bolt that vanished from my garage floor.
Hundreds of years from now archeologists will find a huge "bolt mine" directly under where house once stood.
Sadly the mine will be of no use to future generations because there will be only one of each size bolt, one of each size nut, and 312 Makita cordless drill chuck keys.
Someone needs to make a cordless drill with a cord so there's something to tape the damn chuck key to!
Recently, I used my influence as an automotive journalist to "get a deal" on a complete Air Ride Technologies suspension.
Believe me there is not a big funnel of cool parts going to my house because I write for this illustrious publication.
I got a small price break and some great help from Bret, the owner.
Now when I say "help" I mean Bret talked to me for a while, trying to judge my suspension building abilities.
My Red Flag system must have shorted out because it didn't even register when he finally said "Who are you gonna have install it?
I size up the parts, "Cool,... cool,...what the hell is that?"
I bolt in the compressor and air tank, wire it in and turn it on.
Then almost soil myself thinking I'm the victim of a drive-by when the plug in the air outlet rifle shoots across my garage at the speed of light!
Mood: Excellent. Didn't even get dirty, Underwear still clean.
My brilliant custom painter/ car builder friend, and proprietor of "PrimoCustoms" Ricky Primo, comes over to help.
I tell him I'm gonna "bolt on" the brackets for the air bags.
He rips them from my hand and takes me by the earlobe to "Mega Warehouse Mart Club" where I'm forced to purchase a MIG welder.
Mood: Slightly worried. Earlobe, sore. But it's easier to walk because my wallet is much lighter.
Don't be afraid! The sawzall is my friend!
After cutting out the old shock mounts and various other bits, we measure for two hours to make sure that we won't bottom or top out the new shocks that I have to purchase.
I discover Rick has blown up his welder and would like to borrow the one just purchased. Coincidence? I don't think so.
He asks just as he is about to lay a bead on the air bag brackets.
Please! Yes! Take my wife, anything! Just weld!
Like a drug dealer Ricky smiles and lays down a perfect bead....
At 3:00 A.M the rear brackets are finally welded in. Rear air suspension operational.
Mood: Happy, could be sleep deprivation induced. Wallet extremely light.
Rick accompanies me to the metal shop where we purchase supplies to build spring cups for the front air bags to bolt to.
We measure, cut, weld, grind and grind more.
Rick builds beautiful pieces for the car. Way beyond my meager ability.
When he finishes I tear up like a three year old finding his mommy after being lost at Disney World.
It takes ten minutes for Rick to make me let go of his leg.
MOOD: Scared that Rick will not always be here. Offer to adopt him.
Rick gets back to his own life! I have become a co-dependent rodder!
Solo, I bolt in the front bags. They don't clear! I have to cut and weld, BY MYSELF!
I've only watched Rick. I attempt welding. After grinding out the first two tries, I get the brackets welded in!
Although I used enough weld to fix the hole in the first three bulkheads on the Titanic.
It's 4:00AM, I am hallucinating and have 14,876 pinhole burns in my coveralls, half that many on my arms.
MOOD: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT!!!
I hate my car.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack...
SNAP OUT OF IT!
Like a junkie in the final stages, I drag my butt back under, weld in new rear shock mounts, bolt in shocks, limiting straps, and reroute air lines.
Finish at 4:45 AM.
MOOD: Gpvz xtykj ewqP UYT*7!
The payoff. I test the entire system. My '56 Chevy drops to within 1/2 inch of planet earth and it looks sooooo cool!
Raising it to the max height will clear any bump or driveway on the North American continent!
YES! IT ROCKS!
MOOD: Like a mother who just gave birth.
I'm done. I don't need to work on the car anymore. I mean, it doesn't need anything. I could just leave it like it is and I would be totally happy....but, you know, if I ditched the bumpers and fabricated a complete roll pan up to the...OH NO...ALL RIGHT!! I...can't...stop,
I admit it. I...am a rodaholic.
I'd like to thank Rick at Primo Customs and Bret at Air Ride Technologies for enabling me in these areas. See you guys at the meetings.
Keep the Flow, Titus
(Article taken from Goodguys Goodtimes Gazette, June 1998 issue.)