Barbie Jeep, Mall Jeep, Mail Order Jeep, Utility Jeep, What Kind Of Jeep Do You Have?
Some friends and I were hanging out at the local Mexican Food joint (one of our favorite haunts) when the discussion of my "$1,000 Sh!t Pile" came up...
Then we discussed (sometimes heatedly!) the different types of Jeeps and 4x4 vehicles in general, that have evolved in the last few years...
We came up with a list, that with a few exceptions that deify description, cover 99% of what we see...
1. Daily Drivers.
Usage, Putting food on the table, keeping the kids in beans and jeans.
Nothing more honest in the world.
No pretense, no faking, not really any style, neglected but trustworthy.
Starts nearly every time you turn the key, and feels like an old friend.
2. Utility Vehicles.
Usage, Short Street Trips, Trail, Working Vehicle.
Usually pretty ugly, with lots of honest dents and scratches.
Not the primary transportation, but does have to get in and out of places that would make a billy goat panic.
Lots of 'Character' but no 'Style' what so ever!
Everything has a purpose and was chosen by utility rather than looks or creature comfort considerations.
Money is spent sparingly and the owners take pride in doing everything for very little money (or free! if they can).
3. 'Hobby' Vehicles.
Usage, To give the owner something to do and maybe have some fun with if it's not a garage queen it's entire life.
These can be anything from Sunny Sunday afternoon drivers to comfortable trail riders.
Emphasis is on craftsmanship and comfort with the vehicle.
Not much is changed until something breaks, then every part in that system is scrutinized, upgraded to a higher standard, and cared for.
These are not the vehicles you see people crashing into solid objects or buried in mud pits, but you do see them on the trails regularly...
4. Serious Off Roaders.
Usage, Kill or be killed by obstacles!
Owners of serious off roaders take any obstacle as a personal insult and try to give it what for!
These guys are no longer street able, but they are not about to miss an opportunity to hit the dirt! (Or mud/rocks as the case may be!).
These vehicles usually look like escapees from a junk yard, but have a ton of money, not to mention time and effort invested in them...
5. Vehicle Restoration.
Usage, Shows, parades, museum displays, occasional sunny Sunday drives.
Often not overly expensive (because these guys don't break parts and damage body panels every other weekend), but totally consuming of all free time and deposable income.
I love to look at them, but I'd never own one (unless I owned a museum).
6. 'Barbie' Jeeps,
Usage, To get spoiled girls/women to and from more shopping or hair/fingernail/spa appointments.
Automatic everything, including tampon dispenser and perfume/sunglasses organizer.
Usually found making left turns from the right lane, holding up traffic in the left lane, backing up in highway traffic, parked cross ways of two spaces and generally making a nescience of them selves.
Never been in 4 wheel drive, doesn't know how to do anything but put gas in.
Usually has rubs on the front corners of the bumper and dent in the back somewhere from lousy driving.
7. Mall Crawlers,
Usage, Used to annoy anyone over the age of 25 by blasting out 'Gansta Rap' and ignoring all traffic & parking laws.
Always holding up traffic, but will speed up to annoy pedestrians.
Can be identified by the fancy polished rims (usually missing center caps) that have been allowed to deteriorate, Cheap bolt on crap,...
And the 'Whoomp!, Whoomp!, Whoomp! bass note coming out of it, profanity used by the occupants, and the total inability of the occupants to wear any type of cloths correctly.
This jeep has been 'Off Highway' if you count backing through someone's yard to steal from their garage...
This particular brand of idiot may have actually LOWERED his vehicle and removed or otherwise disabled the 4x4!
These particular morons may have installed wings, louvers, air dams or spoilers...
This alone should be punishable by slow drowning in 10w40 oil followed by a good butt whoopin'!
8. Mail Order Jeeps,
Usage, A format and substructure for hanging as many aftermarket bolt on accessories as the owner can afford.
Easy to identify, but may be confused with a 'Barbie Jeep' or 'Mall Crawler' until a middle aged geek gets out of the drivers seat...
Aluminum rims with simulated bead locks with no scratches,
Lift kit or custom suspension components with no scratches or bends/dents, axles will probably be painted some obnoxious color...
Lots of chrome and bolt on crap, like lights, flags, stickers, antennas, ect.
The owner will go on at nauseam about how much his Jeep cost and how useful all the parts are...
Useless for all available intents and purposes, this vehicle is a rolling testament to how NOT to spend money on a 4x4...
9. The 'None Of The Above' Jeeps,
Usage, Varies from owner to owner...
One jeep may be stretched into a limousine, another may be made into a back hoe with bucket loader, still another may be made into a pro gas race car...
I've seen one mounted with a set of wings like the owner wanted it to fly, and yet another with the bed cut away and a hog cage mounted on the back, and another with drive wheels up front, and a single steerable wheel where the bed should be...
While I find these a distraction/amusement, I really can't lump them into any of the groups above...