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post #1 of (permalink) Old 11-24-2002, 10:23 PM Thread Starter
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OT - Divorce, how do you guys deal with it? Help!

Well, my wife of almost 10 years, and best friend, has had some medical problems and had some hospital stays to figure out what was wrong (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, problems from her childhood I never knew about and that have only recently surfaced). She was all wacked out on different medications, and tried suicude a few times, which landed her in a different section of several hospitals. Now that they've taken her down off the drugs, she's doing a lot better, and is getting back to her normal self. This has been going on since March. I have supported her and been there for her the whole time, even ditching my job of 10 years to be closer to home, and then getting a lesser paying one (twice) to be at home better hours. I have tried to do all I could for us as a family, and would have given my life for her.

Well, after getting out of the hospital the doctors decided she needed 24 hour care so she went to live with her sister (not my choice, she's a leech and has no morals), who never liked me. She has been there a month and occasionally comes over to see me and the cats. She has not been quite herself and wouldn't let me get close to her. Today I told her I wanted her to move back in with me as the "danger" had passed and she was out on her own doing anything she liked. I have never tried to stifle her before and she could always come and go as she pleased. Well, she says she wants a divorce. She says she doesn't hate me, but rather sees me as a "brother" and has no feelings of love for me anymore. To quote her, she has fallen out of love with me. I have tried to do what I can all along, with flowers, cards, notes, candy, and doing romantic things, like walks and such. We have had our share of financial problems, but they were coming to a close.

I feel like someone tore out my heart and dragged it down the road. We'll remain friends; I still love her, always have. She is the kindest person I have ever known, incapable of lying, cheating, or doing anything dishonest. She would have been a great mother, and we wanted to have kids, but wanted to do the right thing and be financially ready for them (which we would be in about a month). I don't think there is anything to repair, we have talked and nothing I could do could bring her back, she said she wants her independence. She wants to go to school and be out on her own, something she was not able to do. We were married at 24, she was living with her sister, who was using her like cheap labor. She said she doesn't want the house or anything else, she wants me to have them as I have worked so hard to get them, and she wants to be able to make it on her own.

This is very hard for me to deal with, as I am very much against divorce and believe in making things work. I am also losing a lifelong friend, well, more than a friend, a companion who has shared everything for the last 11 years with me. How do you guys that have dealt with divorce make it past the rough times? I have not been sleeping well, eating at all, and the house is a mess. Every thought I have is of her, and the life we once had, I'd give anything to have it back.

I know this will pass. I am rational and still have some sanity, but right now every minute feels like a year. I know I'll find someone else in time, but have no idea if I could ever trust someone again.

I wanted to post this to ask the question above, and to apologize if I seem a little more edgy than usual. Some may have noticed I am on here a little more often lately, I consider you guys my friends and family, and feel some level of peace while on the BBS.

To those of you with wives, and the even luckier ones with kids, give them a big hug, you never know when they won't be around anymore.
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post #2 of (permalink) Old 11-24-2002, 11:11 PM
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Re: OT - Divorce, how do you guys deal with it? Help!

I am very sorry to hear about that. I have never been married so I can offer no sound advice but you have my simpathy. I too was raised that once you are married you are to work it out and not get devorced so I know what you are saying. Ten years is a long time to finally fall out of love with somebody though, maybe it is just a temperary thing and her sister might have a little to do with that. May God be with you both. Good Luck
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post #3 of (permalink) Old 11-24-2002, 11:33 PM
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Re: OT - Divorce, how do you guys deal with it? Help!

Hey man,

I was where you are now 3 1/2 years ago. Married too young with lots of foolish dreams and hopes. Be very thankful you never had kids. We didn't either, and that is a huge blessing in hindsight.

My story reads very similar to yours...two people very much in love. Nothing could get in our way, and come hell or high water, we could get through anything life threw at us. There were financial problems which made things difficult at times, but all in all handled fairly well (no drunken beatings anyways... [img]images/graemlins/crazy.gif[/img] )

I even joined our proud military forces to bring our finances back in order, and I thought that brought us a little closer. Things started getting a little better, and our bills were getting payed off. I landed a great job and we were finally able to meet our monthly bills without sacrifice, and all seemed well. She decided she was going to go back to school and things tumbled out of control. She started needing her "independance", and we drifted apart. Finally, after a two week business trip I took, she proclaimed that she had fallen "out of love" with me. I argued 'til I was blue in the face that that was IMPOSSIBLE! but she was very sure. I moved out. She moved on. I got drunk a lot. I blamed myself a lot for what had happened, and there were several times I didn't think very rationally.

What I have learned throughout the years we have been divorced is:

She has moved on. There is nothing I can or could have done to prevent this. She was lost and finally found herself in school. I was not apart of this equation and no matter how hard I tried, or how much I tried to blame myself there was simply nothing I could do to prevent this from happening. It would have come out sooner or later, and I consider myself lucky it didn't come out later with a kid or two because she was fooling herself into thinking her dreams and goals were inline with mine.

It is a no win situation. I feel your pain, and I wish that things like this didn't have to happen, but they do. Time heals all wounds, but that seems like such a load of [bleep] at the stage you are at. Foolish behavior is ahead, but hopefully it will make you stronger and keep your record clean while doing so... [img]images/graemlins/blush.gif[/img]

I was married just shy of 5 years, and am now coming up on my 4 year "divorced" aniversary. God speed man...it will probably get a little worse before it gets better, but be sure that it WILL get better. 10 years is a long time...but you have your whole life ahead of you still, and so does she.

The thing that seemed to get me through some of the rougher times was thinking that she was happy, and if I really did care about her, I would be happy that she was happy. That may not hold up in court though...

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post #4 of (permalink) Old 11-25-2002, 12:25 AM
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Re: OT - Divorce, how do you guys deal with it? Help!

well buddy, as i can say i've never been married or have been put into that situation... but i can tell you, take things one step at a time, keep your eyes open for opportunitys, Gods got a plan for everyone.. and like a jeep trail , sometimes its bumpy, and sometimes you need Gods winch to get you out of a rut, but he'll always be there, even when you don't want him to be, and don't forget that sorry for your loss, but you know you can always come here and everyone on this board is feelin for you, and don't worry things will get better you'll see, it might not seem like it, but hang in there buddie.. you'll be alright..
post #5 of (permalink) Old 11-25-2002, 02:28 AM
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Re: OT - Divorce, how do you guys deal with it? Help!

I am truly sorry to hear of this unfortunate turn of events. Divorce is always hard especially if it is not what you want. My best friend of 15 or so years is in the process of getting a divorce right now. He has looked to me for the last year during his divorce proceedings, which is not over yet, for support and comfort. The best advice I can give is look to your good friends that are near you now for comfort and support. Look to us for entertainment and support, well as much as you can get over the computer. Renew all your old hobbies and use them to occupy your time, but not too much that of your time that you just ignore your feelings. You have to deal with what you are going through and accept it, no matter how hard it is or how much it goes against your beliefs. I agree with you that once you are married you owe it to yourself and your spouse to do everything in your power to work it out. But sometimes, no matter how hard you try things just do not work out. Once someone has tried suicide they change. An old girlfriend’s Mom, who I dearly loved, tried to commit suicide several times. After the first attempt she changed completely. Some things were for the better some things for the worst. Her views on marriage changes radically. She no longer wanted to be married either. So I have seen both pieces of what you are going through, or at least some small portion of what you are going through. The next piece I can offer is do not try to force her to change her mind. In my opinion, even if you do get her to change her mind she will probably regret it and resent you for it and that is not what you want or need to deal with later on. I sincerely feel for you and I offer my support to you if you happen to need anything. We have to stick together as a nation and as people. I wish you the very best in making it through this rough time.
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post #6 of (permalink) Old 11-25-2002, 04:35 AM
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Re: OT - Divorce, how do you guys deal with it? Help!

I'm only 22 - so "what do i know about divorce...." Well about 3 years ago my parents split... It was terribly hard to deal with for a while, and still is at times, but all in all it was for the best. I can imagine what you're going through right now, I watched my dad go through a very similar situation. Just hang in there. In a while I'm sure you'll see that it's for the best as well....

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post #7 of (permalink) Old 11-25-2002, 05:26 AM
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Re: OT - Divorce, how do you guys deal with it? Help!

best advise is to avoid women to start with. remember when grandpa said they were nothing but trouble? he was right. never met one yet that i would trust as far as i could throw.
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post #8 of (permalink) Old 11-25-2002, 06:02 AM
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Re: OT - Divorce, how do you guys deal with it? Help!

Look to the future. Make plans. Maybe go back to school yourself. Your life lies in the future, not the past.

It's hard to not think about the past, but you must try. When everything looks bleak, tell yourself that, by tomorrow, today will be all gone.

It will get better. The pain will diminish. It just takes time, but time IS a guaranteed cure.
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post #9 of (permalink) Old 11-25-2002, 06:17 AM
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Re: OT - Divorce, how do you guys deal with it? Help!

thats terrible news JeepN,

as bad as your hurting now it doesnt sound like a silver lining, BUT the fact there arent children involved is better than it could be, and the fact that she isnt taking everything you own is another plus.

think ahead, plan ahead, and keep your chin up.

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post #10 of (permalink) Old 11-25-2002, 06:27 AM
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Re: OT - Divorce, how do you guys deal with it? Help!

Mark - sorry to hear the news. Divorce is never an easy thing. I've had a couple of good friends go through divorces. All the advice that I can give is hold on to the good memories, throw out the bad, and move on. This is real difficult right now, but will get easier with time. Lean on your friends when you need to, we're here for you. Let us know if we can do anything for you. Anything at all.
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