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post #1 of (permalink) Old 08-14-2001, 10:57 PM Thread Starter
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More Humor....OT

ok, let's edit before the world flips upside down....this is a joke i got on email - just passing it along.....ha..ha....


ONLY IN TEXAS

From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local
neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man
managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry
night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."



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post #2 of (permalink) Old 08-14-2001, 11:22 PM
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Re: More Humor....OT

Sorry.....it's not true.

post #3 of (permalink) Old 08-14-2001, 11:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: More Humor....OT

why not

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post #4 of (permalink) Old 08-15-2001, 01:39 AM
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Re: More Humor....OT

That was a joke in Maxim or one of the "mens magazines" a few months back.[img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/crazy.gif[/img] Don't know if it's based in reality though.[img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/tongue.gif[/img]

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post #5 of (permalink) Old 08-15-2001, 12:11 PM
 
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Re: More Humor....OT

<font color=blue>I've heard that one before, And it still cracks me up! Heres a good Texas joke I have in my files[img]/wwwthreads_images/icons/laugh.gif[/img].</font color=blue>


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from
the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to
be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original
person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy [censored], what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting [censored]-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.


Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming, "[censored] those rednecks!"


Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with
a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a [censored] grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like [censored] to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. [censored] it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)


<font color=blue>Come on Come on listen to the 40's talk!</font color=blue>
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post #6 of (permalink) Old 08-15-2001, 12:46 PM
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Re: More Humor....OT

LOL ohhhhhhhh man that was a good one ! one of my better friends just visited new mexico and that kinda somewhat happened to him, thanks i needed that !

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