My daughter....with the help of john (yzroostinya)
Ten Simple Rules for Dating MY Daughter
>> If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
>>package, because you're surely not picking anything up.
>> You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
>>so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
>>your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
>> I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
>>wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
>>hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
>>friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
>>about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door
>>with your underwear showing and you pants ten sizes too big, and I will
>>not object. However to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come
>>off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
>>electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
>> I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
>>utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
>>when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
>> In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
>>sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The
>>only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to
>>have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
>>you on this subject is "early".
>> I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
>>date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
>>daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
>>continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you
>>make her cry, I will make you cry.
>> As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
>>and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be
>>on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
>>on makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
>>Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
>>useful, like changing the oil in my car?
>> The following places are not appropriate for any date with my
>>daughter: -Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
>>eyesight. -Places where there is darkness. -Places where there is dancing,
>>holding hands, or happiness. -Places where the ambient temperature is warm
>>enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, belly
>>shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka
>>zipped up to the throat. -Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
>>are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
>> Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,
>>middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
>>I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
>>you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
>>whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
>>five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
>> Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
>>the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
>>paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices
>>in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
>>my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
>>your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
>>announce in a clear voices that you have brought my daughter home safely
>>and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come
>>inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine